The Long Twilight Rant

Firstly, I do sincerely empathise with Hardwicke: she had a hard job and immense pressure living up to fan’s expectations, but Twilight-The-Movie is still doable – lots of movies based on books have been impressive. For example, the entire Harry Potter series, even though Radcliffe looked different to everyone’s imagined Harry, the movies met a lot of people’s standards for at least a decent movie; Lord of the Rings is probably one of the most celebrated trilogies, both in the visual and literature world. Both of those are also fantasy films with the aids of special effects, and both were (in my opinion) better and more enjoyable than Twilight. Twilight was merely popular because of a) the book’s heightened expectations, b) the book’s fans, and c) Robert Pattinson (who really ought to learn to shave when he’s not filming. Fuzzy chins collect dust).

The beginning of the film is something that annoys me – the whole hunting Bambi’s mother in the wood thing. It’s so irrelevant. It should provide contrast to something. I wouldn’t have started the movie that dramatically, because the film isn’t that dramatic until the end. It’s meant to be a mostly light hearted romantic film. It’s not even irony. The voiceover sounds stupid. They’re not regular enough. The only way to make a voice over good in something if it’s constant, and not a random voice once at the beginning, middle and end. Successful voiceovers : Scrubs and Juno. The voiceovers would have worked so well in Twilight, but it’s a shame they didn’t do it right – the voiceovers would show what an introvert person Bella is.

Next, Bella’s getting whiplash from Edward’s moodswings? What moodswings? They don’t exist. He stays the same. Every. Single. Scene. That grim, angry face, apart from when he’s smugly smiling at Bella, or laughing at his private, vampire injoke. There is zilch character development, which is disappointing. It would have been nice to see Bella make a vague impact on his 100 years of perpetual misery. You would have thought he might have been the teeniest bit happy being with the girl of his “life” (seeing as Vampires do but don’t have one), but no. He just all weepy and moany. It drives me mad.
Bella also fails being Bella. She doesn’t smile ONCE in the film. You would have thought she might have smiled after sharing STDs (kissing) with Edward, but no. She’s just too damn stubborn to use face muscles. The only time she smiles is with Jacob right at the beginning (the irony).

Maybe Bella and Edward are united in this problem of lazy-faces, but still no! There’s simply zero chemistry between the two. It’s like they’re repelling each other – maybe they’re the same so they repel like magnets? There are scenes when you hear Pattinson’s voice saying, “You are my life now,” when his face is saying, “She’s got bad breath, don’t want to get too close to her without a one calorie Tic Tac.” Seriously. The most unconvincing couple in film history. Whenever they had a moment together, it makes everyone cringe. Like if it wasn’t scripted, it would be full of awkward silences. And because it is scripted, it’s full of awkward dialogue.

Also, pretty much awful acting. I believe both main actors are in early twenties. They act like they’re in a year six end-of-year drama production. They over act everything. They can’t even pass for cute like the trio in the first HP. The extras were better actors – Mike, Jessica*, Eric and their Biology teacher.

I think it was the combination of a bad screenplay and bad direction that really put me off. The screenplay didn’t work with the book, the directing didn’t work with the screenplay, and the actors didn’t work with the director. The screenplay seemed to be aiming at a funny, dramatic, romantic film, which is a challenge for any director. It’s hard to hit all three perfectly, without screwing it up. It’s hard to make a good transition between a funny scene and a dramatic scene without laughing at it. I don’t even think Twilight was intended to be that funny.

And the worst thing that was most disappointing with Hardwicke’s directing is how cliché it was. It already has a fairytale storyline, so I was expecting a fresh take on it to make it unique, but she simple forgot this. The car crash scene, the whole “I know what you are,” scene in the wood with the overdramatic music, the scene where Bella’s researching vampires on Google... it was so ordinary. Then again, the screenplay is also very cliché. “Spider monkey” is probably the funniest endearment I’ve ever heard.

There were a couple of things I did like about Twilight. I liked the cold lighting in Forks (it shows what a damp, cold place Washington is), but they should have changed the lighting when they were out of state.
Half of the closet was good – Edward’s coat and blue shirt (blue looks nice with skin tones, and I would say Bella’s dress, but I don’t like the design), Rosalie’s jackets and Alice’s waistcoat were good, but what was with the other Cullens? They were meant to dress like they belonged in a "different time" – sorry, wasn’t Emmet wearing a hoodie or something? And Edward’s sunnies made me laugh. It wasn’t even sunny. If it was sunny, he should've been hiding in some shady corner, stalking someone else while hiding from the sun's rays.

The soundtrack for the movie was good (in my heavily biased opinion), but the film’s sound director is awful. That build up of music before the Cullen’s entrance was definitely uncalled for. It’s like having the sound of a pounding heart and then showing a hamster waking up. And Bella’s Lullaby was a letdown. It was based too much on the scale. I felt it should have been something more complicated but still beautiful. At some time or another when it’s used, there’s a guitar playing in the background what seems to sound similar (or at least reminds me of) Moonlight Sonata, which I now realise would be a better lullaby, but it’s pretty anyway.

I know Twilight was given a (surprising and shockingly) low budget, but seriously? When they’re jumping trees, you can almost hear “Walking in the Air” (from the Snowman) playing in the background. And the thirty-second fight scene was rubbish. Hardwicke, have you never seen any good action movies? It takes more than bumping into a mirror. Even for a vampire. Also, when he’s in the sunlight? You can barely see that he’s shining. It looks like he’s had a bit too much fun with the glitter pit in nursery. I was expecting his skin to like radiate, but no. They cut out bits of tinsel and glue it to his face.

Hardwicke poorly directed the film – that’s subjective. But it really is a fact that most of the actors (at least Stewart and Pattinson) utterly failed at doing their job – being convincing and real. It was a shame that a film with a giant audience, and a story line that could (maybe) pass for good teen-flick, was wasted. Twilight the Movie is a letdown, but New Moon’s change of director might convince some of us to return to the screen.

Haha, and also. During the baseball scene when Alice bowls? There’s no way her bowls would have gone straight.

Oh. But the soundtrack of the movie is good. And Taylor whatshisface (Jacob) looks like a puppy :)

* Funny story – my friend’s brother was like “Twilight’s a good movie.” And she asked why, and he goes “Jessica’s pretty.” So that’s how Twilight got such a big profit.